You Can Choose Your Family—Here’s What That Really Means

The term “chosen family” has been in our vernacular for years, referring to people in our lives who are not blood relatives, but whom we consider to be close and very dear to us. The beauty of this concept is that we choose the people we want to foster relationships with, and that choosing is reciprocated. We look to our chosen family for trusting friendships, love, support and guidance. Our ride-or-die people, if you will.

For many folks, their family ties are snipped either by their own scissors or by their families’. No matter who cuts those ties, that crucial sense of belonging and inclusion is missing. Perhaps we don’t feel particularly valued or seen by our parents or siblings. Or maybe we tire of pouring into cups that just don’t pour into ours. But that emptiness doesn’t have to remain the status quo.

“Many people carry pain, longing or unresolved hurt from their family of origin,” says Tamara Adilman, RCC, individual and family therapist. “Chosen family offers an alternative—a consciously built network of relationships that provides unconditional support, emotional safety and genuine connection.”

What is chosen family?

Unlike traditional, blood-related families, your chosen family may not even know each other. Each person will have a role in your life, but it’s not required that you have a mother or father figure, for example. Instead, there is a closeness, a realization that this person is always there for you, and you for them.

Two years ago, an international kinship study illustrated the shrinking size of today’s nuclear family, resulting in most people having fewer cousins. Big families with lots of kids, who grow up to have lots of kids of their own, are likely what most of our parents experienced. The average 35-year-old Canadian woman had 20 cousins back in the 1950s, dropping to about 10 cousins today. Studies show that number will very likely continue to decline. Today, that gap in cousin-count can leave adults seeking out others to fill those familial roles for themselves or finding chosen-cousins for their own children.

It often takes time, years usually, to achieve a sense of trust with each member of your chosen family. Over that time, we witness how we show up for each other when the chips are way, way down. We see how judgment is not our M.O., even when we watch others make terrible decisions. And we celebrate each other’s wins with pride and joy, but never jealousy. We can laugh and cry together, and trust with our darkest secrets.

How do you find chosen family?

Finding a chosen family is not like putting a softball team together, where people try out and make the cut, or don’t. A successful approach is usually the more organic one, where people get to know each other, and the bond deepens naturally.

Meeting candidates for your chosen family can happen anywhere: your favourite coffee shop, a book club, while volunteering or even at your workplace. Think of chosen family as friends you cultivate over time, not created as a shopping list of humans you sought out to find. Not all friends have the capacity to be considered chosen family, either. But that doesn’t mean a busy person you are lucky to see once a month can’t be chosen family. It’s about the connection you have, not the hours spent. A chosen family cannot be lopsided either, meaning you get what you give. Both parties need to be invested equally.

How does chosen family differ from biological relations?

Your chosen family doesn’t have to spend the holidays together. What’s important is that you each treasure that reciprocal bond that runs deeper than casual friendships. Chosen family can be given visitation rights if you land in the hospital, have power of attorney and receive assets from your will. Remember that who you consider kin is what’s important, just make sure you set up the legal piece and name the individuals you want included when you’re estate planning.

For “people who are LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, or who simply feel out of place in their biological families, chosen family can affirm identity in a deeply powerful and healing way,” adds Adilman. Considered a lifeline for many, especially during the often-lonely holiday seasons, being part of a chosen family can make all the difference in one’s mental health. Organizations like QMUNITY offer a calendar of events and opportunities to meet up for 2SLGBTQIA+ seniors and youth.

Immigrants to B.C. often seek chosen families as well, as many individuals come to the province, leaving their biological families behind. Approximately 25,000 people moved to this province in the past year, so creating bonds and kinship with people who speak their language and have similar values and cultural practices is important. The B.C. government’s Welcome BC program is a valuable tool for support in settling in.

The term “family” has morphed over the years, but the desire for us to connect on a deep, emotional level seems to have grown. We function at our best when we feel like we belong, are accepted and loved. Choose your family with intention and witness your heart open.